Your child gets a violent outburst of anger. Goes crazy on his little sister. Strikes and kicks.

Puha… I know it well, and you have certainly tried to be in a similar situation as a parent. Often.

You get frustrated and angry. You smoke all the way up in the red box. And you know there is a method you can use when nothing else works. The timeout method.

You know that a timeout in the room alone should probably make your child fall down. For he does not come out until he has calmed down completely.

If you do not already know the timeout method, then it is the method that adults can use by placing the child on a chair where the child should sit still for a number of minutes, or if we ask the child to go into his room, close the door and calm down.

You know that the time-out method causes your child to calm down. You think that’s the only thing that works. And you use it even if you do not feel like it.

It’s okay that you need a break… But what if I tell you that there is another way? That the timeout method can create a feeling of violent insecurity in your child?

The timeout method wears on your child’s self-esteem. Your child does not come out of his room because he regrets what he has done. No, he comes out because he’s scared to death to lose your love and care. Your child thinks, “If I do not behave properly, then my mother will not like me anymore.” And he would therefore much rather give up the fight, to avoid losing his relationship with you. It is entirely instinctive in your child’s brain that he must do everything to cooperate with you.

This is why you feel the timeout method is so effective. And I will not lie… you are right, it is effective… to pressure your child to shut down the big emotions.

The timeout method will stand in the way of the child’s secure relationship with you as a parent. Instead, divert your thinking to good things in life, such as talking to your child. Talk, listen and be present.

Your child does not learn anything when you use the timeout method. Your child feels pressured to do justice and hide the angry feelings far away so that it does not affect the relationship with you.

There are other paths you can go. With your child. There are other options than the timeout method, which simply makes your child extremely insecure. Instead, be with your child when things get tough. This is how you become wiser about what is going on in your child’s head. And you teach your child to deal with the big emotions.

You need to teach your child that it is not dangerous to have the big emotions like being angry and wanting to hit. Your child is still perfectly okay when he has these feelings, because it’s completely normal. And you need to show your child that you can still endure being with it.

If your child does not learn to deal with his anger, but is instead sent into the room for a timeout, it can end in a violent explosion of repressed emotions. And it can come when you least expect it.